Edited to reformat for readability, per Deep Lurker’s suggestion.

This is my version of how-I-develop-it-into-a-scene when I’m having particular trouble. In this case, I started with a conversation “sketch draft” with minimal movement. There are four characters present: Archie, the 15-year-old POV; Del, aged 10; and Harkawn (librarian, former Dark Lord) and Waylan (Second Commander of the Dark Hordes). Everyone but Waylan has different magical abilities. In the previous scene, they found a Mysterious Rod buried under a stack of armor padding, and Del was sent to bring Harkawn back so they could ask his advice.

It’s not really layering, because there’s only two “layers”: first, the dialog/sketch draft, and then everything else at once. But I rarely need more than this, especially since most of the place description is in the earlier part of the scene, where they find the rod. The sketch draft is this:

***

Harkawn: What have you found?

They show him.

Harkawn: This was in the armory?

Archie (points): Over there.

Waylan: We’ve gone through seven other stacks and haven’t found anything else.

Harkawn: That’s good.

***

From here on out, my personal internal dialog will be in italics. Basically, whenever I started to reach for the “delete” key as I was composing, I hit italics and typed what I was thinking instead of deleting and replacing things.

***

Okay, start with Del and Harkawn arriving. No, Archie doesn’t trust H., and before H. gets there is a good time to bring that out. So:

They were going through the sixth pile of padding

needs more

quilted padding when Archie couldn’t hold back

doesn’t sound right

Archie’s misgivings

no

Archie had

no

Archie couldn’t help asking, “Are you certain

not Archie’s phrasing

sure about this, Second Commander?”

“Sure about

no, Waylan will get it

“Sure about Master

more

asking Master Harkwan?”

more

Harkawn’s opinion?” The Second Commander smiled slightly. “Yes.”

“But he’s—”

I don’t like how this is going as a conversation and it’s barely started. Does not feel right Try it just from Archie, as internal musing.

They were going through the sixth pile

not quite, if it’s Archie’s PO, get into it

By the time they reached the sixth pile of padding, Archie felt twitchy

Stronger; he’s already twitchy

twitchier than ever. Master Harkawn hadn’t done anything horrible recently. That he knew of, anyway. Still, he was a former Dark Lord, one who’d been powerful enough to challenge the last

previous? Yes

previous

no, give the name

the Dark Lord Xavriel himself. He

no

Archie

new paragraph first. Needs a finish…

Could he be trusted?

NOW new paragraph. Wait—mention that H. LOST.

Though he’d lost.

Not at the end; needs to go after “himself.” “at least he’d lost?”

…the Dark Lord Xavriel himself. At least he’d lost. Still, could he be trusted?

Archie lifted the last

no

shook out the last of the

last what? “padding” is getting too much use. Google name–gambeson, aketon, arming doublet. Use arming doublet; most self-explanatory, check last scene for consistency. Back up and change padding to arming doublets above?

the last of the arming doublets and sneezed. How had it gotten so dusty at the bottom of the stack? “Nothing here,” he reported.

Second Commander Waylan had already moved on

add “except dust” to end of last paragraph. Make it “except more dust.”

to the next pile.

Back to Xavriel/Harkawn doubts?

Archie joined him, still thinking

no, needs different transition back to doubts about Harkawn

resumed

no, back up

Archie joined him. What

no, back again.

Archie joined him, wondering what to do

no, include both of them

what they would do if they did find something else. He was about to ask, when he heard a shout. A moment later, Master Del returned

not energetic enough

pelted through the door, followed by a panting

wheezing? No, he’s not that bad off

Master Harkawn.

“Did you find anything else?” Del

no, remember that Archie is trying to be formal even in his thoughts

Master Del demanded.

“Nothing unexpected,” the Second Commander said. He took Master Harkawn’s elbow and steered him to a seat on one of the piles they’d already looked through.

“Then let’s have a look at whatever you found,” Master Harkawn said after a moment

no, too close an echo to “a moment later” above

when

no

once he got his breath back.

Archie held out

check prior scene-where was it, does he have to pick it up first, would he wrap his hands to prevent contact, etc.

handed him the rod, without comment.

Reluctantly? Because he doesn’t trust Harkawn? Yes. Add to start of last sentence. Delete “without comment;” don’t need to overload the sentence with two hesitations.

Master Harkawn glanced at it

not quite

took one look and almost dropped it.

Add more specific reaction. 

Hesitantly, his fingers traced the star symbol

Check prior scene description

. …engraved on the base of the rod “This was in the armory?”

Archie nodded. “Under a stack of arming doublets.”

more

in the corner.” He pointed.

“We’ve been going through the other stacks,” Second Commander Waylan put in

no, that sounds like Del

added. “There’s been

no

We’ve found nothing but dust.

Nothing extra? Nothing more? Mark for later.

I don’t think they’ve been touched in more than

ten years? Since I left ten years ago?

since the last Final Battle. Maybe longer.”

that covers the “more than ten years”’cause it’s established he left after the battle.

“Is it important?” Master Del asked

because he won’t shut up for long, ever, but first he should ask what it is

“Do you know what it is?” Master Del asked. “Is it important? I can tell that it’s

magic? Powerful?

strong, but I don’t know what it does.” He bounced excitedly

find substitute word, this is awkward,

but Archie noticed that he did not lean forward or attempt to touch the rod. Perhaps he was learning to curb his enthusiasm.

Harkawn

Archie uses titles, dammit!

Master Harkawn gave a

no

heaved a relieved

no to the rhyme!

heaved a sigh of relief. “That’s good

no, because now he needs to react to Del, not to Waylan.

“Yes…

no, Waylan first, but more specific about what is good. Or why it’s good that there’s only one.

“Good

no

one mysterious object

no

I’m glad there’s only one

better, not quite; start with answering Del?

“Yes, it is important, because it is powerful and unknown,” Master Harkawn told Del patiently. “I’m glad there’s only one. We should

no, too soon

I’ll take it to

needs to acknowledge Waylan

…only one.” He looked at Second Commander Waylan.

Ha! Titles!

“With your permission, Second Commander, I’ll take it to the library to check

not quite

to see if I can find a description or a reference. In the meantime, Lady Kayla should be notified as soon as possible.”

Kayla is the new Dark Lady, Del’s sister.

***

When you take out all the internal dialog, I’ve now gotten to this:

***

By the time they reached the sixth pile of [padding, Archie felt twitchier than ever. Master Harkawn hadn’t done anything horrible recently. That he knew of, anyway. Still, he was a former Dark Lord, one who’d been powerful enough to challenge the Dark Lord Xavriel himself. At least he’d lost. Still, could he be trusted?

Archie shook out the last of the arming doublets and sneezed. How had it gotten so dusty at the bottom of the stack? “Nothing here,” he reported. “Except more dust.”

Second Commander Waylan had already moved on to the next pile. Archie joined him, wondering what they would do if they did find something else. He was about to ask, when he heard a shout. A moment later, Master Del pelted through the door, followed by a panting Master Harkawn.

“Did you find anything else?” Master Del demanded.

“Nothing unexpected,” the Second Commander said. He took Master Harkawn’s elbow and steered him to a seat on one of the piles they’d already looked through.

“Then let’s have a look at whatever you found,” Master Harkawn said once he got his breath back.

Reluctantly Archie handed him the rod. Master Harkawn took one look and almost dropped it.  Hesitantly, his fingers traced the star symbol engraved on the base of the rod. “This was in the armory?”

Archie nodded. “Under a stack of arming doublets in the corner.” He pointed.

“We’ve been going through the other stacks,” Second Commander Waylan added. “[We’ve found nothing but dust. I don’t think they’ve been touched since the last Final Battle. Maybe longer.”

“Do you know what it is?” Master Del asked. “Is it important? I can tell that it’s strong, but I don’t know what it does.” He bounced [excitedly but Archie noticed that he did not lean forward or attempt to touch the rod. Perhaps he was learning to curb his enthusiasm.

Master Harkawn heaved a sigh of relief. “Yes, it is important, because it is powerful and unknown,” Master Harkawn told Del patiently. “I’m glad there’s only one.” He looked at Second Commander Waylan. “With your permission, Second Commander, I’ll take it to the library to see if I can find a description or a reference. In the meantime, Lady Kayla should be notified as soon as possible.”

***

I’ve marked the three places I’m still dubious about the wording with a “[” and I’ll come back to them when I revise and see if they still feel odd, or if I look at them and think, “Why was I worried about this bit?” I’ll also need to go through the prior scene and decide where I want to use “arming doublet” and where I want to use “padding” or “quilted padding” instead. But I now have the transition bit I wanted, and I can move forward. Hooray!

5 Comments
  1. For what it’s worth, I found the part with the internal dialog much easier to follow (and thus much more interesting) when I copied, pasted, and broke out the internal dialog into separate paragraphs while keeping them in italic.

    • Good idea! I am going to reformat the whole thing that way.

  2. That was really interesting. Thanks for sharing your thought process!

  3. Thank you for the reformatting – good catch, Deep Lurker!!

    Meanwhile, I’m glad you posted this, and that you’ve maintained all along that there’s no one right approach. Because this internal monologue you have while composing isn’t anything like what I have. My process is completely different – this is more like how I revise!

    (Once I hit around the 20k word mark, on a good day I’m “in the zone” and just writing away. Most of my cogitating happens in the early stages, especially pre-writing.)

    Very interesting indeed!

  4. Thank you for posting this!